Friday, July 21, 2017

FRIDAY FRENEMIES : THE BATTLE BETWEEN SUPER-LOIS AND SUPER-LANA

Mmmm, pizza and flapjacks.

While both Lois and Lana gain superpowers in this adventure, it's really one of the weakest battles they'd ever fought. Lois did more to abuse her rival just by swiping Lana's uncle's time machine and repeatedly drugging her as a teenager. I mean, that's a high bar to meet, is what I'm saying.

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane vol.1 No. 21 (November 1960) also isn't the first time that the Man of Steel's two paramours have acquired super-powers or, for that matter, used it to battle one another for their dream-boy's special attention. The occasion of Lana or Lois getting superpowers is also a real treat for those incredibly unimaginative people who think they're contributing to a conversation by bringing up Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex, you dumb fucking boors. Consider that a warning.

Superman is such a prig.
This time around, Lana and Lois take advantage of a hidden Indian cave (I don't know what makes it "Indian," exactly, unless Native Americans could move entire bodies of water underground at will) which had previously given Jimmy super-powers during a dive in its magic waters. Lois Lane, Lana Lang and Jimmy Olsen all gaining super-powers from the same hidden lake -- it's like discovering that your exes all have coffee together.

The sudden super-powers actually seem to mellow out the feud between the two women, possibly because they now that they can't actually kill one another for a change. Haha, not that they would (they totally would).

With their new superpowers -- and decked out in the friction-proof costumes which they'd both worn during earlier super-adventures -- the duo agree to a fair fight for the affection of Superman. Here's how that goes:

They make him competing super-dinners. Lana bakes a super-pizza, about twelve feet wide at the diameter, for a publicity stunt for "Yum-Yum Pizza." It's a terrible name, which is why they eventually changed it to "Comet Ping Pong." Lois makes a "ton of flapjacks," literally, using a massive grill in the middle of the desert and a bucket of maple syrup she squeezed out of maple trees. Superman feeds them to starving soldiers, but it's hard to tell if that was an act of charity or if he just hated them.

Lana's got quite a mouth on her.

 They use treasures of the past to decorate themselves up for Superman's approval. Lana finds the lost jewelry of Helen of Troy, a legend I don't think exists, and emerges from the sea glittering with tacky-ass baubles. Superman no likey. Lois steals a bunch of Cleopatra's clothes and is rejected by Superman for wearing too much green. He's just fucking around with them, now.

And, lastly, Lois carves a likeness of her face either on or near Mt.Rushmore. Lana does the same, because she's getting confrontational, and that's when the fight begins...



..and rapidly ends. It's not the most malicious battle between the two rivals, but I've never seen Schaffenberger illustrate a better mid-air catfight. And there are contenders, believe you, me.

4 comments:

BillyWitchDoctor said...

Now I want me some breakfast pizzajacks. Maple syrup and tomato sauce, butter and mushrooms, mmm-mmm!!

Wait, you gonna leave us hangin'? What was Supes' decision? Was he going to marry Jimmy Olsen?

Nate Fancher said...

You're not even kidding, that is one spectacularly drawn catfight, there.

Jude Brown said...

Don't leave us hanging -- whom did Superman decide to marry??

Also Helen of Troy's Lost Jewelry can be found in a Moscow museum.

Or what gold jewelry Schliemann attributed to Helen from his Troy excavations, although he may have been several centuries off.

But really, whom did Superman decide to marry?

Jude Brown said...

Don't leave us hanging -- whom did Superman decide to marry?

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